About Dying
Hi…
Merry Christmas to all who read this.
for those who wants to know my update, things are not going that well in my family. our father is very ill. he’s in his stage 4 colon cancer.
it was a devastating moment for me to know my father is now in his terminal stage. i still wanna go out with him. have our own kinda date. he is the most eligible man i’ve ever dated. since i never really have an official significant other, he’s the one i have right now. i couldn’t even think what my life would be if he’s gone…
as i write this blog, i am now sitting in hospital chair, waiting for my father, who is asleep right now. and in pain… 😢
anyway, i’d like to write a story of a moment happened on December 25th. Christmas day this year, i think it will be very difficult to forget…
that morning, i woke up at 8am. earlier than i used to. i slept around 3 that night. not waiting for Santa, but i looked after my father, who was in deep pain. he said earlier that night that he was tired. and i can feel his pain.
the morning, when i woke up the first thing i check was my papi. he was soaked with shits. i knew it was part of my mistake, i didn’t clean his stoma bag because i was too lazy. stupid me. as i cleaned his dirts, i saw him barely breathing. i didn’t know what to do, except pray. i cleaned his shits, changed his clothes and cried. as i was alone that morning. all anne and mas pujo family was gone to church.
i called my brother asking him for help. he was sooo late to come, and was not even had the idea to hurriedly came to rescue me. or even think that out papi need to be helped as soon as possible.
i was sad. so very sad.
but not long after, they came. still was as clueless as i was. and then we finally decided to take papi to the nearest hospital.
i must tell you that my father is the strongest man i know. he’s even stronger than Superman. he does not complain, even though he’s in a lot of pain. he doesn’t cry, although his body aches all over. when i need him, he is there. back when he was still strong, he loves to take me to wherever i wanna go. ride me to wherever. he and mu mom are my biggest cheerleaders. they always cheer me, although i never tell them anything.
God knows how i love them both.
but eventually my love for them was not really that strong. and as i write this i regret those feeling i had and still have until now. i don’t really like my brothers and sisters because i hate to conclude that they don’t have the same measurement of love for our papi and mami.
i feel that they prefer to be with anybody but my parents. even when papi is sick and is very ill, my sister still think she could go out of town, just because her husband wants to go. and papi lives with them. are they tired of being with my papi? although i don’t really mind. i made peace with that fact.
but God want it differently. papi was dying on christmas day. his blood sugar dropped to just around 30. and finally they decided to cancel the idea.
and that was just one story of my family.
i know i was wrong to think toxic about my own family. i cried when i had the idea. but i don’t like it when people see me crying. i like the idea of them thinking i am as hard as stone. but i know God knows deep down in my heart.
so help me God.
i know it is not wrong to help my parents. God has paid me in full measures. i lack nothing. i know it is not my doings. it is God’s doing. although i know, i many times don’t deserve this. but He still blesses me.
how awesome is my God. 🙏🏻 i am a living proof of how good he is. 🙏🏻
please God, i don’t even want to feel this. i don’t want to be stubborn. please make me soft so i would know your will in me. and i would be a blessing to others as what You want me to and i pray for it.
so help me God.
PS: tomorrow is my Medical Check Up day. i really hope everything is good in my body.
so help me God, again. 🙏🏻
concentration
how to concentrate?
how to be able to concentrate instantly.
it’s been a while since i could concentrate, and be able to draw conclusions instantly. this is what i’ve been known good at. i can concentrate, listen carefully and draw conclusions and be able to give solutions instantly.
i haven’t done that in quite a years now. it was not that necessary. and there has been a lot of distractions, so many to count. and one other factor that can contribute to that issue is that i haven’t read anything in quite a years now.
i used to read my bible. but now, i was too busy with my things. the not so important things. the ones i thought was more important than the bible readings.
and oh boy i was so wrong.
now all i get is the impact.
and now that i know the reasons for my being so ‘lemot’ and hard to concentrate. i need to begin my old habit of reading and listening and also the most important one, pray.
praying not only gives me the chance get closet to God, to be able to tell God what i want and tell Him what bothers me so much, but also to meditate, to be able to take my mind a while from the crowded world and also for me concentrate to what i want to formulate what i want to think and also to say.
and also writing this blog is also a very effective way for me to be able to slow down a while and learn again how to formulate words in my head.
and so it is.
let’s begin the new journey. 🙏🏻
haii
it's been a while. a very while since i last write here. not just here. but everywhere.
many things effected my life. what i now become. what my situation become. and not writing also effect me. my situation and specially my brain.
i no longer have the power to formulate words. to come to any conclusion. i feel stupid.
and that is why from now on, i will try to write more. try to write what happens to me and the situation around me.
i hope by doing this i will be exercising my brain. so that i will be smarter.
one writing a day. hopefully by the end of the day i can conclude my day.
hope you like my writings.
and hope i like my writings.
hehehehe
Hai...
It's been a very long time since my last post. A very long time.
Many things changed. I've changed...
And Today is my birthday.
Thank You Dear God. Thank You for every second spend. I've been so very blessed. You let me see this day. 🙏
I know that my God loves me so much.
🙏🙏🙏
Today I just wanna say that I am not perfect. Not perfect at all.
I've done mistakes that I'm fully aware of. And I just wanna say I'm sorry.
And also, I'm scared of too many things.
I hide from the things around me, so as not to be afraid.
To be strong. To be able to stand.
I don't tell this to many people. In fact, I don't tell this to people. 😊
May be the peoples I tell this, they don't realize that I'm actually scared. That I'm such a coward. 😁
But that's OK.
It's not their fault.
I'm glad that they even make time to hear me complaining.
Thank You. 🙏
Thank You Dear Jesus. Because You still love me. Even though I'm such a coward.
Thank You for every breath. Every great moments. Every ups. Every mountain. Every happy tears.
I LOVE YOU!
Thank you dear friends, for keeping up with my weirdness. For being there for me. For every laughs.
Please be there with me... ☺️☺️
Love
-me-
How sad that I'm crying for someone I thought cares for me, but he stops.
Done! 😥😰
i'm on lebaran holiday and has this mellow feeling.
you know...
i've been thinking...
after seeing that happy picture of you, i smiled.
and i think i'll be just fine without you...
i'll be very sad for somewhile.
but think i'll be alright.
things will be just like the old days. but fine...
think i'm ready to let you go
just a little more time...
You know,
Ada waktunya di hidup gue, dimana gue ngerasa low banget.
Well,
That is me today. Feeling so low...
What have I done wrong??!!
I feel like crying. But I actually can't.
May be I just need a hug.
And so this quote suits me best today,
I should try this!
...when I get sad,
I stop being sad
and be Awesome instead...
🙏🙏🙏
Begini toh rasanya kalo jadi orang salah. Ngga enak.
Perih bow. Perihhh!!! 😭😭😭
Mari kembali ke jalan yang benar...
So help me God. 🙏
hai…
udah lama banget ga nulis yang agak panjang ya.
well, i've been avoiding computers lately. because actually i kinda feel tired. computers to me means work. and i kinda want to avoid work for a while. :)
well, walopun sekarang gue juga lagi di depan komputer karna harus bikin
deadline yang gue janjiin nanti malem gue kirim.
well, ngga nyesel sih bikin yang ini. secara ini juga bukan kerjaan kantor.
i know i would get paid just to do get it done tonight. :)
although may be it would mean that i can not go anywhere today.
but it's okay. it's kinda my plan today.
to go nowhere today… :)
sebenernya udah dari beberapa hari yang lalu gue pengen cerita aja kalo gue merasa udah bikin sesuatu yang salah. tapi yang salah ini bikin gue sangaaaattt happy.
baru sekarang gue tau kalo memang yang salah-salah itu memang sering banget malah bikin happy. jadi terasa benar. heheheh.
gue pernah cerita di blog ini kalo gue pernah ketemu orang yang baiiiikkk banget. sampe sekarang dia juga masih baik. cuma sekarang dia baik bukan cuma buat gue. :)
gue memang tau kalo kesempatan itu mungkin ga dateng 2 kali. maksudnya belom tentu gue bisa ketemu lagi dengan orang yang baiiiiikkk juga.
dan sungguh gue ngga nyangka kalo sekarang gue beruntung banget bisa ketemu orang yang baiiiikkkk banget lagi, dan bisa bikin gue happy, terus senyum.
biarpun lagi capek, gue bisa jadi senyum.
waktu gue bosen,
in which this happens a lot, gue bisa jadi ngga bosen.
heheh.
gue tau ini pasti cuma karena gue aja. gue emang suka ge-er ga jelas.
so i kinda wanna put that in my head right now. :))
yaudah segitu aja.
gue cuma pengen cerita itu. :)
I can't believe it...
Sekarang ini,
Gw literally lagi nangis sendirian dipojokan.
Menyedihkan...
Hiks.
Ok.
After gudeg
A plate of fruit
A cup of avocado ice cream
Can i just cry now...
Hiks.
Happy wedding koko.
Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that you are the source of a failure?
I have. Today! Sad as it is... And i'm very sorry...
Today may not be the first time i've done and felt this, but i pray that let this be the last time. Amin... 🙏
Although i think i have done my best to do what i do, but it just not felt good enough. I feel that i could have done something more to it. I don't know what, but one thing for sure, i know i could and should talk smoothly, not staggering. 😔
Everybody knows that it is not easy to present something, specially where the pressure is hard. And it specially wasn't easy for me.
I know i have issue with my speech...
Many times when i over think of something, i couldn't think and specially could not talk for a presentation. It took me quite a while to calm myself and then be able to talk in front of a forum. It took me a lot of practice and a lot of self-encouragement words to be able to do a speech in front of public.
It must be because i really am not used to talk to people. I many times just silenced myself and prevent myself from talking.
I know i shouldn't do that...
Mood also contribute a lot to my condition. I many times surrender easily to my mood. And that is bad.
Tonight...
I try to remind myself about this. I try my best to learn to fight the mood, the fear and then teach myself to fly out of my comfort zone so that they may know that i am that good, that they can not ignore...
So help me God. 😊
