About Dying
Hi…
Merry Christmas to all who read this.
for those who wants to know my update, things are not going that well in my family. our father is very ill. he’s in his stage 4 colon cancer.
it was a devastating moment for me to know my father is now in his terminal stage. i still wanna go out with him. have our own kinda date. he is the most eligible man i’ve ever dated. since i never really have an official significant other, he’s the one i have right now. i couldn’t even think what my life would be if he’s gone…
as i write this blog, i am now sitting in hospital chair, waiting for my father, who is asleep right now. and in pain… 😢
anyway, i’d like to write a story of a moment happened on December 25th. Christmas day this year, i think it will be very difficult to forget…
that morning, i woke up at 8am. earlier than i used to. i slept around 3 that night. not waiting for Santa, but i looked after my father, who was in deep pain. he said earlier that night that he was tired. and i can feel his pain.
the morning, when i woke up the first thing i check was my papi. he was soaked with shits. i knew it was part of my mistake, i didn’t clean his stoma bag because i was too lazy. stupid me. as i cleaned his dirts, i saw him barely breathing. i didn’t know what to do, except pray. i cleaned his shits, changed his clothes and cried. as i was alone that morning. all anne and mas pujo family was gone to church.
i called my brother asking him for help. he was sooo late to come, and was not even had the idea to hurriedly came to rescue me. or even think that out papi need to be helped as soon as possible.
i was sad. so very sad.
but not long after, they came. still was as clueless as i was. and then we finally decided to take papi to the nearest hospital.
i must tell you that my father is the strongest man i know. he’s even stronger than Superman. he does not complain, even though he’s in a lot of pain. he doesn’t cry, although his body aches all over. when i need him, he is there. back when he was still strong, he loves to take me to wherever i wanna go. ride me to wherever. he and mu mom are my biggest cheerleaders. they always cheer me, although i never tell them anything.
God knows how i love them both.
but eventually my love for them was not really that strong. and as i write this i regret those feeling i had and still have until now. i don’t really like my brothers and sisters because i hate to conclude that they don’t have the same measurement of love for our papi and mami.
i feel that they prefer to be with anybody but my parents. even when papi is sick and is very ill, my sister still think she could go out of town, just because her husband wants to go. and papi lives with them. are they tired of being with my papi? although i don’t really mind. i made peace with that fact.
but God want it differently. papi was dying on christmas day. his blood sugar dropped to just around 30. and finally they decided to cancel the idea.
and that was just one story of my family.
i know i was wrong to think toxic about my own family. i cried when i had the idea. but i don’t like it when people see me crying. i like the idea of them thinking i am as hard as stone. but i know God knows deep down in my heart.
so help me God.
i know it is not wrong to help my parents. God has paid me in full measures. i lack nothing. i know it is not my doings. it is God’s doing. although i know, i many times don’t deserve this. but He still blesses me.
how awesome is my God. 🙏🏻 i am a living proof of how good he is. 🙏🏻
please God, i don’t even want to feel this. i don’t want to be stubborn. please make me soft so i would know your will in me. and i would be a blessing to others as what You want me to and i pray for it.
so help me God.
PS: tomorrow is my Medical Check Up day. i really hope everything is good in my body.
so help me God, again. 🙏🏻
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